“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave
to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”Genesis 2:24
Cleave — You’ve probably heard this verse at least one hundred
times. Every wedding, every sermon about marriage, every book and video from a
Christian perspective ends up with this verse somewhere in the subject matter.
But what no one told you is that the Hebrew verb here is not the one we
would have expected, especially if we thought that becoming one flesh had anything
to do with sex. If you really want to see what God has in mind, you’ll have to do
some deeper investigation.
The verb here is davaq. It means “cleave” or “cling.” It’s about
stickiness. But it probably isn’t the verb we would have used. You see,
davaq is a middle-of-the-road, passive-response verb, best suited for
gluing things together. It isn’t the passionate, relationship-oriented
verb that characterizes the love action we want in erotic intimacy in marriage.
In fact, it’s more about sticky wet clods of dirt (Job 38:38) or fastening
crocodile scales (Job 41:9) than it is about passionate, sexual embrace. You
won’t find davaq in the Song of Solomon. So, why does it show up here,
in the quintessential verse about marriage? And why has every pastor who has ever
given a wedding sermon using this verse avoided talking about dirt clods?
If we look at the way davaq is used when it describes relationships
between people, we see that it can describe both friendly and hostile circumstances
(Laban and Jacob). It describes relationships between members of the same sex
(Ruth and Naomi). In Wisdom literature, it parallels ahav (“to love” —
Proverbs 18:24). We see it used to describe Israel’s relationship with YHWH
(Jeremiah 13:11).
This wide range of applications tells us something important:
davaq does not carry the emotional, erotic, passionate nuances we
expect. Davaq is about deliberate commitment. Even when it is used in
hostile circumstances, it is about willful, considered attachment. Ruth, Laban,
and the men of Proverbs are not making choices based on emotional overload.
Neither does YHWH.
God’s choice of Israel is deliberate, calculated, and permanent. It is the
ultimate example of stickiness.
This helps us understand why Genesis 2:24 uses davaq, not
hashaq (the verb for adhering to someone in love). Marriage is a
deliberate commitment to stick together. It is not based on
emotional, physical, or psychic attraction. It has very little to do with how I
feel.
That’s why marriage in the Torah can be arranged by the families without any
interaction between bride and groom. Marriage is covenant activity.
All the other expressions of love that we so commonly associate with our view of
marriage really don’t matter. What matters is the glue.
Next time you hear about the twenty-nine areas of compatibility, smile! Glue comes
in only one flavor. Oh, by the way, did you notice that it is the man who
does the sticking?