Up From Depression

Up From Depression

My Experience with Depression

I want to tell you about my experience with depression, why I think God allows some of us to experience it in our lives, and how we can have hope in the midst of it.

I am not a doctor, a psychologist, or a psychiatrist. I am simply one who has experienced depression first-hand. I am, in fact, one who, with God’s help, has learned from the experience.

Symptoms and causes

To some people, depression is a time of feeling low and discouraged. While this is an accurate description, it doesn’t necessarily describe all the other feelings that can be part of depression. I will share with you what my experience was:

  • You feel desperate and that you are losing control of your life.
  • It is a space filled with darkness, fear, despair, and panic.
  • Your thought world profoundly impacts your physical life.
  • You feel as if time is racing or you are moving in slow motion.
  • Your world and activities appear insurmountable, and life can feel like a pit.
  • There are overwhelming feelings of isolation, and you feel disconnected from others.
  • You feel trapped with no way to escape.
  • You hate yourself for feeling like this and feel tremendous shame and guilt.

What causes depression? Medical practitioners could give you reasons why this occurs, but I will share from my own experience and from the experiences of those who have shared their struggles with me. It seems that depression is often triggered by trauma in our lives. It could be emotional, mental, social, physical, or a combination of any of these factors.

My experience

My story begins with lost memories. There is a period of approximately three years between the ages of five and eight when I have no recollection of my life as a child. I associate tremendous shame with this period of time.

I know there were many significant events that occurred during this period, but I can’t remember starting school, welcoming my baby brother, or moving from Saskatchewan to British Columbia.

I was an outgoing child and the object of much attention from family, friends, and even strangers. What I experienced as a young girl was having my hair shaved off my head just before starting school. This was done to me in the hope that my hair would grow back thicker. It had a traumatic and lasting effect on me.

I immediately changed from being the center of positive attention to being the object of scorn and ridicule. This was the beginning of my entrance into a world of darkness.

Rejection and isolation

I can remember my mother talking to a doctor about giving me “nerve pills” when I was a pre-teen. As a teenager, I experienced the repeated rejection of a close friend and soon began to experience the torment that depression can bring.

As a young mother, I fell into a deep post-partum depression. This experience was the most painful. Attacks of depression continued over the next seven years. They varied in length, with the longest period lasting nine months.

I lived in a very isolated area of north-central British Columbia and rarely visited a doctor or talked with other people. One thing I continued to do, though, was talk to God and cry out in my despair.

Need for God

You see, I am a Christian. I had recognized at a very early age my need for God and His deep love for me. Now, years later, I was in the pit of despair, crying out to a God that I felt had abandoned me.

I thought Christians shouldn’t be depressed. My husband and friends couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. Their comments pushed me to a place of deeper despair.

Again, I called out to God for help. Where was He? Had I so disappointed Him that He would not hear me? When I felt most tormented, I would read my Bible looking for relief and comfort.

Scripture that helped me

In the following passages of the Bible, God spoke to me:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest…” (Matthew 11:28-30)

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine…” (Isaiah 43:1-3)

“Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows…” (Isaiah 53:4)

Psalm 139

Slowly, these truths began to touch my heart. God began to show me the steps I needed to take in order to begin my journey up from depression.

As I stepped out in faith, believing the truths and principles that He had shown me, I began to realize God’s plan for my life.

Steps toward healing

I can only speak to you from my own experience. This does not replace speaking to your doctor about any medical concerns you might have about depression. I have found the following steps helpful in dealing with my depression and releasing me from its hold:

  • Recognize that God is with you and has always been with you.
  • Realize that He has a plan for your life.
  • Relinquish control of your life to God.
  • Replace negative thoughts with positive and truthful thoughts.
  • Rely on God because He is at work in your life.

In order to take these steps, you will need the power that only the Holy Spirit can give. God wants to be our leverage in living, empowering us to feel better about ourselves, more excited about our future, more grateful for those we love, and more enthusiastic about our faith.

If you are looking for a deeply satisfying relationship with God, I encourage you to pray by faith and ask the Holy Spirit to fill you. If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, God has given you His Holy Spirit to help you live life according to His perfect plan.

Why not pray this simple prayer and by faith invite Him to fill you with His Spirit:

Dear Father, I need You. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life. I thank You that You have forgiven my sins through Christ’s death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled, and as You promised in Your Word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesus. As an expression of my faith, I thank You for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit. Amen.

by Barbara Epp
used by permission

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